Dont Let Go Of Her Again
by syrenia123destiny
Summary: What happens when you lose the one person that ever gave you a reason to live? Wanna know the answer? Easy, you die inside. I broke down. "This is what I tried to protect you from." I stood up straight grimacing. "I'll save you...even if I lose my life in the process"
1. Chapter 1: Selfishness of the Heart

**Robins POV**

"Im sorry" I kept a straight face, a blank expression. Not even my eyes betrayed what I was feeling. But, inside. I was broken, shattered.

I knew I couldn't keep her. Not anymore. There was that one time when I thought I would be able to protect her, to keep her a safe distance from who I was . But everything kept getting in the way, she kept getting hurt. Her life was constantly centered on that thin line between life and death. I soon realized I couldn't risk her like that anymore. I was selfish at first, not wanting to let go. And because of my selfishness, she almost lost her life. I would never risk her like that again.

From what you could see of me, I would guess you probably thought of me as cold, heartless, almost robotic. Of course, I was a professional liar. I had to be a good liar, especially at this line of work. I could stab myself and still be able to hold a cheery smile on my face. I could be dying inside and you would never even notice. That was how I was feeling right now.

"You promised" she bit down on her lip. I knew she was trying to hold it in. She didn't want to cry in front of me.

"I lied" I smirked at her, my heart started breaking.

"_This is the only way to convince you" _I thought sadly.

I had to lie through my teeth while I was slowly breaking down inside. I thought that if I convinced her I didn't want her anymore, it would be easier for her to move on and forget about me. An easier, new beginning.

"_A clean slate" _I thought.

"Your lying, you don't mean that." she protested. The corners of her eyes were now building up tears.

She stared at me, I returned the gaze coldly.

My teeth clenched. " I don't love you..." I said sternly. Each word was separate and distinct.

That was my breaking point. I was now officially broken. My heart shattered.

"I…." she trailed off.

"I don't want you" I said coldly, interrupting her.

"Please…" her voice was now…pleading. She was begging for me to stay, it only made it harder to deny her.

Something inside me screamed that I should just take her in my arms and beg for her forgiveness, tell her that it was all a lie. And that my love for her would be undying.

Unfortunately it didn't overshadow the want, the **need**, to protect her. Nothing was more important than her life. Not even my happiness, not even my own. She was more important than anything.

"Promise me something?" my voice was softer now, almost gentle.

She didn't answer as she just continued to stare at me. I looked into her eyes and felt myself get stabbed over and over again. But I welcomed the pain this gave me, I deserved it.

"Take care of yourself" the softness in my voice was almost gone now, replaced with a harsh, cold tone. Demanding.

"Good bye Zatanna" I started to back away, my eyes not leaving hers.

"Wait!" she chocked, hands reaching out to me.

I involuntarily reached out to her as well, but I caught myself before she could notice. I took her wrists, pinning them to her sides.

I kissed her forehead for the briefest moment, closing my eyes as I did so. I breathed against her skin, trying to memorize her scent. This last moment with her, meant more than anything.

" Since you made me a promise…I'll make you one as well." I breathed.

I looked into her eyes, my expression serious, cold, hiding the fact that I was now completely hollow inside. Her eyes were tortured as she looked at me.

"I promise that I'll stay out of your life as much as possible, you will forget about me completely" my voice softened towards the end.

"It will be as if I never existed." I whispered.

Her eyes closed, but that didn't stop the flow of tears coming from her eyes. "I love you"

My eyes widened for a moment and my breath hitched in my throat, but in a second that was all gone. I resumed my cold, calm façade soon enough.

"Good bye" I backed away. "I love you Zee" those last three words were but a whisper, I was sure she didn't hear me say them.

And that was it. I was gone. I stow away into the darkness of the night, hiding my anguished, desolate screams inside my head.

* * *

**Zatannas POV**

**December 13, Tuesday, 2011, 20:18 pm**

I wrung my hands together, bringing them close to the open fire. I welcomed the heat, I felt almost cold all the time. Utterly lifeless.

It had now been six months since Robins supposed disappearance. No calls, letters, videos, no contact. Only Batman knew of his whereabouts, and yet he wouldn't tell us.

"_It will be as if I never existed"_ his promise echoed in my head. I bit my lip, trying to prevent myself from crying.

He did keep that one half of his promise.

All of our letters, pictures, gifts. Anything that even concerned him was completely and utterly gone. The albums and frames that had been previously holding his pictures were now bare. All information about him on the internet was erased.

He was gone.

But the other half of his vow was still in motion. I still couldn't forget about him, I thought about him constantly. My friends tried to cheer me up, but nothing ever worked, and soon enough they just stopped trying.

He took everything with him when he left.

Love, life, meaning…..over.

I still tried to act normal, I tried to get better. And yet, even with all my efforts, I knew I was just going through the motions, the everyday things. It was just almost robotic.

"Zatanna?"

My head shot up to see M'gann come in, a worried but friendly expression on her face. I tried to give her a smile. She and Artemis were part of the very few people who never stopped trying to cheer me up.

"Yeah?" I asked simply.

I was never a person to start the conversation now, my dialogue just consisted of silent nods or one worded answers.

"We have a mission, you wanna come?"

Violence? Pain? A chance to forget the emotional pain I was feeling and have the chance to get stabbed and bleed. Sure. It was better than nothing.

"Alright"

If only I knew that one word almost got me killed, but in the end, it would give me back what I held most dear.

* * *

**Robins POV**

I leaped off the side of the building, landing perfectly on my own two feet on the solid cement. I checked my wrist computer.

I was now currently in Gotham, it had been three weeks since I had come near this place. I tried to stay away from her as much as life could allow me. But I was still Robin, I still had a responsibility.

I had now quite attending school, I was currently two years ahead of my original grade level so it didn't really matter if I took some downtime. I wasn't part of the team now either. I was on my own, I was just helping from the shadows.

From time to time I would come back to the mansion and have Bruce and Alfred welcome me back with open arms. But we all knew I couldn't stay there for long. Usually I would just spend one night, the next morning you would find me gone. As if I hadn't been there in the first place.

I was now currently traveling the country, searching for any signs of trouble. I wouldn't stay in one place for too long before I would start traveling again. Nothing held me down anymore. Whenever I halted a crime or stopped a villain, I made sure none of them knew it was Robin that had saved the day. I tried to stay out of the news as much as possible as well, for fear she would see me.

I was a shadow of the darkness of night. I was practically not even there anymore.

This was my distraction. It was the only thing I was living for now. I gave my life to being Robin. Nothing else currently mattered.

"_Your lying to yourself" _I thought.

I **was** lying to myself. She mattered more than anything in the world to me. But I couldn't have her.

"_Does it matter?"_ I growled in my head.

I was now currently at war with myself.

"_You still love her"_ that voice inside my head answered back.

"_So?"_ I grimaced. _"I cant have her"_

The voice inside my head didn't answer, it was now mute. Because I knew it was true.

An memory of Zatanna resurfaced inside my head.

"_So?...good kidnapping?" I smiled_

_She turned to me, smiling. "Actually, yeah..best ever."_

_I smirked slyly "First of many I hope?"_

_She turned away, but I could tell she was frowning. "If my dad doesnt ground me for life"_

I chuckled at the memory, but it was a fleeting moment.

I realized everything felt like fleeting moments these days. I had been living my life in a haze, a blur.

"_Im trying to be all nonchalant here…" I shrugged._

_She turned to me, smirking. "Why?" she smiled. "Be as chalant as you'd like"_

I remember I kept grinning like an idiot for the rest of that day.

I clutched my head in my hands, grimacing

"_Stop it!"_ I growled inside my head _"Stop thinking about her!"_ I groaned.

I sighed. _"Why cant I forget about you Zee?"_

I imagined she was answering me back.

"_Because you still love me…."_ Her image answered.

I clutched my heart, having half the mind to rip it out and end the suffering. The other half was tempted to shoot myself.

This was torture, having her so close, yet not being able to **keep** close to her. This was my own personal hell.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as my computer started beeping.

"A message?"

I opened up the holographic screen, pressing play on the sent video by an unknown source.

"Hello there Boy Wonder…or should I say? Boy Blunder?"

"Joker" I hissed.

"Did you miss me?" he cackled, throwing his head back and laughing like an escaped asylum patient, his green hair sticking out at different angles.

"I just so happen to know your in town today, and well, I thought" he shrugged. "Just for old times sake, why don't I call up my buddy Robin and try to murder him again?" he laughed again, his smile made me sick.

I grimaced.

"You've been missing out on all the action lately Bird Boy" He smirked evilly at the camera.

"Oh, I almost forgot" he snapped his fingers like he just realized something important.

"Someone here wants to have a couple words with you"

The camera panned up towards the ceiling across the room. My eyes widened.

"Zatanna!"

She was gagged, her hands tied above her head as an invisible force tied her to her spot. Her eyes were wide with fear as she looked up at the camera. Her gaze fleeted upwards for a moment, indicating something was above her. The camera panned up to reveal several bombs hanging above her head, one dropped onto the floor on purpose and a noxious gas was released. Her eyes went wide with fear as the cloth around her mouth muffled the scream. Tears were now streaming down her face.

"Fear gas" I hissed.

The camera now revealed Jokers sadistic, self satisfying grin.

"An advanced version of my original Fear Toxin"

He held up a clock, smirking at me.

"Tick Tock, Tick Tock" he teased. "You don't have much time before the poison enters her nervous systems, ever so slowly crushing down her body until she's nothing but an empty husk of a lifeless shell."

My fist clenched. "Im going to kill you" I growled.

"I think we can quicken the process though, am I right?" He took slow, easy steps towards Zatanna. He took a knife and slowly cut a small line on her neck. Her eyes widened as blood slowly trickled down her neck.

"No!"

He held up the clock again. "Better hurry up bird boy"

The camera shattered and the video turned into static.

My fist clenched and I slammed it against a nearby surface, forming a large hole on the brick wall.

"This was what I wanted to keep you away from" I whispered. "Im so sorry"

I stood up straight, grimacing. "I'll save you...even if I die in the process"

I stow away into the night, using the shadows as my cover.


	2. Chapter 2: Goodbye

**Robins POV**

I jumped inside the prototype Bird Jet (courtesy of Batman) and typed in the coordinates.

**"Coordinates locked" **A digital map appeared , a red shining light indicated the coordinates locked onto a warehouse not far from Gotham.

**"Proceed?"** the computer sounded. "Voice module activate" I commanded.

**"Voice module activated" **I pressed a button, and pushed a lever beside me. "Proceed to given location".

**"Thrusters online" "Landing flats online" "Auto pilot activated"**

"Go" I commanded. I felt the thrum of the engine come to life as I was lifted into the sky.

Batman had given me this prototype six months ago before my departure, a new model was currently being improved and tested at the Batcave. He knew I wanted to travel the country, get away from everything, and so he had givien me this. It was a lot faster than my motorcycle to say the least.

**"Arriving at given location in two point three minutes"**

My fist balled up at my side as I replayed the video given to me by Joker. I was furious to say the least.

I knew there was a chance he wouldnt let me get out of this alive, and I accepted that.

"Contact Batman from Justice Leage" I ordered. **"Contacting"** the ship sounded.

"Robin" his voice sounded. "You know this frequency is forbi-"

"Joker has the team" I said, cutting him off. I wasnt feeling too patient today, considering the fact I was flying to my supposed death.

He was silent, I could almost feel his icy glare coming though the line. "He has Zatanna" I said, my voice was slightly more gentle.

"Im going in to save them" I said, my tone was back to dead serious.

"There is a high probrable chance you will not make it out" he said, his voice completely stoic.

"I know that" I growled. "And I dont care"

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "You know how it feels like to lose someone..." I started.

He was mute.

"Im not gonna experience that for the third time..." I said, my voice was one of finality.

"Robin-" he started.

"Disconnect" I ordered. **"Disconnecting"**

I sighed again, both my hands gripping the the handle of the machine.

"Sorry Bruce" I murmured.

**"Destination arrival in ten seconds"**

"Thanks for everything"

* * *

I slowly entered the warehouse. Apparently it was abandoned.

It somehow struck me as a cliche movie move. I chuckled darkly inside my head.

I purposely let my steps echo throughout the silent room, making sure they knew I was already here.

"Are we really gonna play hide and seek?" I chuckled darkly. "If I find you..." My fist balled up at my side.

"Your dead" I said. My voice threatening, dark, _deadly_.

I grimaced as I saw shadow and a hint of a purple overcoat move in the darkness. He slowly came out, stepping into the light. His usual, sadistic, self satisfying grin was plastered on his face. His hands stuffed inside his pocket, fingering something he was hiding.

"aww, birdy...your no fun" he complained with sarcasm.

"Where is she?" I growled.

"Where is who?" he mocked innocently, throwing his hands up in the air.

My eyes narrowed behind my mask, I fingered a bird-arrang behind my back.

His eyes widened in this aha kind of moment. "Oh, you mean...her?" he stepped aside, the lights blared across the entire warehouse.

My eyes widened as I saw Zatanna still tied up, tears streaming down her face. The screams and protests were both muffled by the white cloth that was acting as a gag around her mouth.

I turned my head to the side to find all of my teamates tied up in a similiar position against one of the pillars in the corner. I took in all of their surprised expressions, their eyes were wide and they even stopped struggling as they took in my presence. I turned my attention back to the Joker.

I grimaced, my fists balling up at my sides. "What do you want?" I said. I sounded calm, but the hot, boiling anger that was under that was still evident in my tone.

"Are you willing to make a little exchange?" he proposed, tilting his head to the side.

I didnt answer him, because he already knew what I was gonna say.

I would give him _anything_, in exchange for their lives. Yet somehow, I already knew what he wanted.

"You take their place" he said calmly. He chuckled a bit to himself.

I saw Zatannas eyes widen. She struggled against the cuffs on her hands, trying to say something against the gag on her mouth. She shook her head at me, still crying.

I stared into her gaze. I mouthed 'sorry'. She looked at me, blue eyes pleading.

Joker offered an outstretched hand. I slowly proceeded to shake it once, noting how cold his skin felt. "Agreed" I said as my gaze fell on the floor.

Wally screamed something at me, but it was muffled beacause of the gag. Artemis shook her head vioelntly, tears building up at the corners of her eyes. M'gann started crying as she stared at the scene before her. Kaldur and Conners eyes were filled with anger, shock and grief.

I took my utility belt off, casting it off to the side. The stupid clown stared at me, obviously amused.

Zatanna started sobbing again.

"First and foremost..." he said as he started pacing around in circles. He turned to me, a smirk on his face.

"Take off the mask" he said. My eyes widened.

"Well?"

I still didnt move.

"Hmmmm...I think this might _motivate_ you..." he said mockingly. He took slow easy steps towards Zatanna, I saw her eyes widen as he held a knife in his hand. The tip touched her neck.

"Stop!"

He paused, the knife a mere centimeter away from her smooth neck.

My hand reached up to touch my face, stopping at the edges of my mask.

He tapped his foot impatiently.

I slowly peeled of the mask, closing my eyes as I did so. I breathed out a sigh as I slowly opened my eyes. I saw the mask fall to the floor.

Time stopped as I stared at his sickening face. I felt completely vulnerable now. The anger, grief, pain...it was all evident in my gaze. It contrasted greatly with the calm expression I had placed on my face.

He started laughing, throwing his head back. His laugh sent shivers down my spine. The guy was utterly insane.

"The Boy Wonder willingly unmasked" he laughed again, clutching his stomach. "I wonder what Batsy will say to that"

My fist balled up at my side, but other than that. I showed no emotion.

I looked over to my friends. Their eyes were wide as they were visibly shocked. They all stopped struggling, staring at me. I saw Artemis's eyes flash over in comprehension. I looked away, I knew she realized who I really was.

Zatannas expression pained me most. Hey eyes were still streaming tears. The grief I saw in them. Her eyes were so tortured.

'Im so sorry' I mouthed, looking at her.

My attention was stolen away as Joker laughed again. "Im feeling a bit _generous_ today..." he started.

"Before you die..." he smirked. "I'll give you a few minutes with your friends."

I smirked, mocking him. "Thank you for your..._generousity_" I spat.

He laughed again, not heeding my tone. "Im all about generousity bird boy" he said, clearly amused at my reaction.

I walked over to my team, ripping away the gags from their mouths.

"I contacted Batman, their on the way." I whispered.

"Rob..." Wally started.

"Get out of here as soon as he lets you" I ordered.

"What about you?" M'gann whispered.

My gaze fell towards the floor. "Im staying" I said, emotionless.

"No!" Conner yelled.

"There must be some other way..." Kaldur spoke.

I shook my head slowly, face completely blank. "Bye" I said simply. I walked away from them, heading towards Zatanna.

I gently took the gag off of her mouth, my fingers brushing against her cheek.

"Robin...I..."she stuttered. I realized she was still crying. She shook her head slowly, as if she was trying to shake away a bad dream. Her eyes filmed over with tears again, she blinked them away this time.

I took her chin, guiding her face towards mine. I crashed our lips together. After a moment, to my surprise she responded.

I shivered, pressing her against the wall. One hand tangled itself in her hair as I kissed her even deeper.

My mind was completely intoxicated. _How long has it since I was this close?_ Her scent, her skin, her mere _presence_ clouded my vision.

I slowly parted from her, my lips lingering on hers for a moment longer than necessary.

"Get out of here" I breathed against her lips. My fingers untangled themselves from her hair. I slowly stepped away from her, not daring to look her in the eyes.

The infamous clown prince gave me a huge grin. "Birdy's in love...how sweet" he mocked.

He handcuffed me to the corner, near my other teamates. "Do your worst" I rasped.

He laughed at me, throwing his head back. "Didnt need your permission" he mused.


	3. Chapter 3: Do Your Worst

**Robins POV**

I grimaced as he took out a knife and cut a thin line on my right cheek.

"No!" Zatanna sobbed. I closed my eyes tightly, not wanting to hear the obvious pain in her voice. "Robin, please" she begged.

I winced this time. Her voice sounded so…hurt. Pain, fear, abandonment, it sounded loud and clear in her tone. And what made it worse, was that I knew it was all because of me.

I saw Joker turn his head as if something or someone was speaking to him. He smiled at the direction of the unknown guest.

"I didn't mean to leave you out of the fun." His gaze turned back towards me, that same, sadistic grin on his face. "I just got excited"

My eyes narrowed as I realized he wasn't the only person in here that took my death as an opportunity to see a good show.

From the shadows I saw Harley slowly come out, a smirk on her face.

"Hi Robby, long time no see" she grinned.

She came up to me, nuzzling my neck as she placed a hand on my chest.

"I've missed you" she cooed.

I grimaced. "The feeling is **not** mutual" I hissed.

She moaned. "Cold as always" she batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. "Just the way I like it"

I scowled at her. "Get the hell away from me" I said dangerously. Each word was precise and distinct.

"Why?" she asked innocently. "Don't you like having me around?"

I grimaced. _"Go to hell"_ I growled inside my head.

Joker laughed, throwing his head back again. He placed a hand on Harleys shoulder, guiding her away from me.

"Apparently Bird Boy already had his heart stolen by somebody else." He mocked.

"Who?"she hissed. I didn't know if she was actually angered or upset or if it was just all a ploy.

"You snooze, you lose Harley" he mocked, laughing at her.

She looked like she was ready to murder him.

"I have business here, if you dont mind" He said it in this obviously bored tone.

I almost sighed in relief when she left for the door without turning back.

He turned back to me. "You have an affinity for attracting people who want to kill you, Boy Wonder"

I smirked, mocking him. "Im just that good, I cant help it."

I could have sworn I saw him grimace for a moment, but that same, self satisfying smile was back just as soon. He took a button from his inner pocket and smirked at me.

_"Not good"_ I thought in my head.

"Im sure having fun, _sharing_ my new toys with you." He pressed the button.

My eyes widened as bolts of electricity coursed through my body. I screamed.

I heard Zatanna scream. "Robin!" I heard her sob. "Stop..Stop!..please!" she begged.

I saw him smirk. He stopped pressing it.

I went limp, my vision dimming. I tasted the metalic taste of blood in my mouth.

"Did that hurt?" he mocked. I spat out blood.

I smiled a little. "Like I said, do your worst"

I saw him actually grimace this time. The expression almost looked scary on his face. I saw him press it again before I closed my eyes tightly, waiting for the impact. My fists balled up as I felt the shock.

I bit down on my tounge to prevent myself from screaming. This probrably hurt Zee and the others more than it did me.

"Robin!" Artemis yelled. "No!" That was Wally's voice I realized.

I cursed inside my head. I had been biting down so hard, blood was filling up in my mouth.

_"Stay awake...stay awake...stay awake" _I chanted inside my head. I was having a hard time just keeping myself concious.

It was weird, the pain was felt strangely like a numbing feeling.

Numb. That was the perfect word. I felt completely _numb_. Emotionless, painless. I felt _nothing_.

_"I cant..."_ I gave up. I was grateful that this was nothing like the pain of losing her, in a way, it was _better_.

I sank into a black oblivion.


	4. Chapter 4: Blood On My Hands

**Robins POV**

I slowly opened my eyes, wincing as the light blinded me for a moment.

_"How long was I out?"_ I thought.

"Oh, good, your awake." He chuckled.

"You've been out for a couple of minutes."

I looked up to find Joker, holding a pocket knife. That same, sadistic smile was still on his face. He took small easy steps towards me, I grimaced.

At the last moment he turned his heels and walked towards Zatanna.

"What are you doing?" I asked coldly.

He turned his head to look at me. "I enjoy watching you squirm" He slowly raised the knife to her neck, as if to torture me.

"These feelings you have for her…." He trailed off. "It only makes it so much more satisfying when I see the suffering in your eyes."

With a swift movement he cut a small line on her neck, the cut wasn't large but it was deep. I saw her eyes widen as she looked at the trail of blood flowing down into her white shirt.

"No!" I struggled against the cuffs. "You swore you wouldn't touch her!"

He turned to me, a smirk on his face, his eyes lit up in amusement. "I lied"

Zatanna looked at me, eyes filled with fear.

In the next moment, a blast against the wall sent rubble flying everywhere. I closed my eyes, coughing because of the smoke. My eyes widened in relief as I saw Batman and the league come through the large opening in the brick wall.

"Leave the girl Joker" Batman said coldly.

"Bats! , how have you been?" he said amusingly.

I watched the leagues eyes widen as they took in the sight of me and my team. Bruised, bloodied and hurt. I saw some of them gasp in shock as they beheld my appearance, none of them knew my identity.

Black Canary came up to me, a confused look on her face. "Robin?"

I nodded. "Its me"

I looked over to the side as I found Batman and Joker start the fight. The rest of the team freed my teammates.

"Free Zatanna" I rasped at her.

She looked at me critically. "You first, you need medical attention"

"I can take care of myself" I growled.

I smirked at her, gesturing with a nod to Jokers goons that was filling up behind us. "Take them out" I ordered.

She seemed to hesitate, but she nodded, leaving me. I sighed as I produced a pick from my hand. Picking the lock, I was able to free myself.

I picked up my utility belt and clasped it around my waist. I walked over to the spot where I had left my mask. I picked it up slowly, gently setting it back on my face. I know there was no point in hiding anymore, they knew who I was. But the mask was a part of me, Robin was born the day my parents died. This mask was a part of Robin, it was something I would never be able to get rid of.

The league had taken out all of the Jokers henchmen now, most of them were left on the ground groaning in pain while the other half have fled because they knew they weren't going to win this one. I looked at my team, they all looked at me worried. I didn't say anything.

I turned my attention to the ongoing fight that was before us. The fight between Batman and Joker. No one intervened or offered any help, because they all knew this was a fight against Batman's nemesis.

I walked over to them. "Stop!"

They both froze, turning to look at me.

"Leave him to me" I said.

I could have sworn I saw Bruce's eyes go wide behind that mask. He kept his expression almost emotionless though, but I knew what he was thinking inside. His mouth was flattened into a straight line and his shoulders were rigid.

I nodded at him. "I need to do this"

He stood there for a moment, but then nodded.

"Report back to the Bio-ship" He ordered, turning back to the team.

"But-"M'gann started.

"Now" he interrupted.

They all nodded, following his orders. My team looked back at me, eyes filled with worry. Zatanna protested against Black Canary's hold but relented after she looked at me.

"Ten minutes" Batman said to me.

I didn't answer him, turning back to Joker.

"Your underestimating me Boy Wonder" He laughed, producing a knife from his inner pocket.

My expression stayed cold as I produced a pair of duel blades from behind my back. "I swore that I would kill you"

He smiled at me, clearly amused. "Oh really?"

I didn't answer as I charged at him.

* * *

I watched his body go limp as he fell to the ground, lifeless. A pool of blood surrounded him as I slowly took the knife out of his heart. The smile was still plastered on his face.

I stood up, examining my handy work as I let myself feel the burden of what I had just done. Strangely I felt nothing.

His blood was now on my hands. Yet, I didn't feel anything. No guilt whatsoever. I realized my heart had gone cold, the old me probably would have felt at least a little sorry, but the truth was, I felt justified. I realized though this was the first life that I had taken.

I threw the knife stained with his blood to the side, hearing it hit the floor with clang.

Without a backwards glance, I slowly walked over to the Bio-ship.


	5. Chapter 5: Unbearable Suffering

**Robins POV**

I slowly entered the Bio Ship. I looked at all of them coldly, realizing Batman, Black Canary and Martian Man hunter were here as well. I leaned against the wall, not saying anything.

"Robin, you need medical attention" Black Canary said suddenly. I quirked an eyebrow at her, she pointed down to my blood soaked cape.

"That's not mine" I said bluntly.

She looked at me in confusion.

_"The blood isn't mine"_ I thought.

I turned my head away, not wanting to look at any of them. We just endured hell for the past few hours after I hadn't seen any of them for the past six months. I knew they had questions, but I just wasn't willing to answer.

I shifted uncomfortably as I felt her presence. Zatanna was standing on the other side, watching me. I knew she was probably traumatized right now, and confused most of all. I couldn't stand her presence, one half of my mind wanted to take her in my arms and stay there, the other said either kill yourself now or run away as fast as you can before she hates you even more.

"What happened between you and Joker?" Batman asked seriously. I sensed he had probably guessed where the blood on my cape had come from; he just wanted to confirm it.

"Jokers dead" I said simply.

I saw all of their eyes widen, some of them gasped. Bruce just stood there, not saying anything.

"Were you the cause?" he asked calmly.

"Yes" I answered just as emotionless.

I saw all of their eyes widen in shock. None of them thought I was actually going to kill him. I knew Bruce thought it wasn't exactly right, but I also knew he understood perfectly why I had to do so.

"Your reason for doing so?" he asked. I knew he had already guessed it; he just wanted me to say it out loud.

"Confidential" I answered bluntly.

_"You already know why"_ I thought in my head. _"I couldnt dare let him get away with hurting her."_

I turned away from them, heading for the entrance. I programmed my wrist computer to send a message to my jet to hover below us.

"Rob! Wait, where are you going?"

I turned around to face Wally, a strange expression on his face. It was a mixture of relief, worry and excitement.

"I'm leaving" I answered coldly.

"What?" he said in disbelief.

"Robin, you had just returned to us." Kaldur said seriously.

"You can stay" M'gann said, her voice sounded so small, shy.

I gave all of them a cold Bat Glare, Wally backed away from me slowly, a hint of fear in his eyes.

I turned around. "I never meant to come back" I said coldly.

My eyes narrowed behind my mask as I realized my voice sounded so cold, harsh. I didn't even try.

"Robin, come on" Artemis begged. I looked over to her then to Zatanna. Her eyes were so tortured. I figured if my presence hurt her that much, I needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

"Robin, you will stay for the time being" Batman ordered.

I turned to face him. "**No**" I growled.

Everyone looked at me, shocked out of their minds. No one in this earth refuses a direct order from Batman and lives.

I saw his eyes narrow as I stood there defiantly against him.

I turned around again, the now blood red cape billowing behind me.

"Robin, you will stay" he repeated. His voice was still serious.

I cursed in my head. Why was he doing this? He knew it hurt me like hell every second I was here.

"Make me" I growled. I turned back to face him, my fists clenched at my sides.

His gaze turned cold, but not like I wasn't used to it. I saw the team cringed as I stared back, giving a perfect imitation of his own. But the glare I gave was absolutely murderous.

"You will stay until further notice, that's an order" He repeated.

"I'm not part of your team anymore; those orders don't apply to me." I said coldly.

I saw Zatanna hide her face in her hands. I heard her muffled crying and my heart started breaking like it did six months ago. It felt strange, my heart never healed but now it felt like it was being broken again.

"**Why**? " I asked him exasperated. "You know why I can't stay"

"Above all else, team or not, I am still your father and your mentor. You will follow my orders Richard" He said, emotionless.

I saw everybody's eyes widen at the use of my real name. I realized I hadn't told them yet. I knew they were shocked because of my spilled identity, and also by the fact Batman had just revealed that I was his son.

I chuckled darkly, scaring the watching audience a bit. "Every second I'm here, it feels like I'm being put through hell" I admitted.

Seeing Zatanna so broken like this, it was like no pain I had ever experienced. This was the exact thing I wanted to keep her away from, why I chose to leave. But fate was cruel, it happened anyway.

His gaze softened. "I know"

I leaned against the wall, dejectedly.

"Robin, we would like to know what has happened these past months" J'onn said seriously.

"Why?" I asked, my gaze was directed towards the floor.

"You suddenly disappear for six months and you expect us to have no questions? No traces, no calls, **nothing**. You expect us to be fine with that?" Artemis asked. I realized she was furious.

I cackled. The only thing I had experienced this whole time was an overwhelming sense of guilt and suffering.

"We would like to access your memories if possible." J'onn asked gently.

I shook my head slowly. "If you can feel my emotions, I don't think that's a good idea"

"Why?" Artemis asked.

I smirked at her. "You'll go insane." I mused.

"Please Robin" M'gann begged.

I turned my eyes towards the floor, thinking about it for a moment.

"You want to know how I'm feeling, fine" I said. My voice was calm, emotionless, and stoic.

I gave a curt nod towards M'gann nd J'onn, siganling for them to continue.

I felt J'onn's subconscious brush against my mind; it was such a strange feeling. I felt everybody hook up to the link. They all looked curiously at me.

_"I warned you"_ I whispered inside my head.

In that next moment, I sent such a wave of raw emotion towards them through the link. The same exact emotions I was feeling at that moment for the past months. Anger, guilt, despair, loss, sadness, anguish, suffering. Utter and complete darkness. One emotion that I did share that wasn't so painful, was my love for Zatanna.

I saw all of their eyes widen, some of them gasped. I saw Wally clutch his head in his hands as he groaned in pain; Artemis and Conner did the same. M'gann started crying, her eyes wide. Kaldur's face remained expressionless, but that pained gaze said enough.

Batman remained stoic, but I saw his mouth shape into a thin line as his shoulders went rigid. J'onn gasped at the strength of my emotions. I saw Black Canary stare at me as few tears rolled down her face.

_"That's not all of it"_ I whispered inside my mind.

But before I could let them suffer anymore, I cut the link.

I saw Wally gasped as though he was out of breath. Artemis slumped against the wall, her face in her hands. Conner looked as scared as hell. The others had similar reactions.

Zatanna looked…tortured. Now more than ever. I grimaced; I couldn't stand that look in her eyes. I turned my gaze away.

"How could you live with this?" Wally asked. His voice cracked out of fear of what he had just experienced.

"I got used to it" I answered simply.

"You are in much pain" J'onn noted calmly. "I also realize that wasn't even the full extent of your emotions."

"You were holding back on us?" Black Canary said in disbelief.

I sighed dejectedly. "Yes, I was holding most of it back." I grimaced. "If I fully let you into my head, you'll probably just go insane."

I saw Artemis shudder.

"I'm sorry about that, this was my pain, to deal with alone." I looked at them. "That's why I have to leave."

"You still haven't let us examine your memories" M'gann said.

My eyes widened behind the mask. "Your actually willing to experience that again?" I asked in disbelief.

I saw her nod slowly.

"By adding memories, it'll hurt much more than the first." I warned her. "It will be much more painful, I probably wont be able to control myself."

"Your not alone" I heard Zatanna whisper.

Her voice was both a pleasure and a pain to hear. My eyes filmed over with tears, but I blinked them away behind the mask.

"Your not here to suffer alone" she said with more confidence.

I looked at her for a long moment. She did not break our gaze. I slowly nodded at all of them.

"If you wish" I said silently.


	6. Chapter 6: Tortured Memories

**Robins POV**

"We will now access your subconscious mind Robin, but I assure, we will only access your memories and thoughts that had occurred to you for the past six months" J'onn said calmly.

"Proceed" I said simply.

I closed my eyes as I felt my mind get pulled back into the very deepest part of my subconscious. When I opened them, we were inside a pitch black oblivion. The darkness seemed to go on forever, but strangely I could still see all of my friends perfectly. They all looked curiously at one another, seeming as confused as I was.

J'onn saw my confused expression. "You will be controlling this entire exercise, you may choose what memories you will allow us to see, and those you may not want us too will be blocked if you wish."

I gave him a curt nod, thanking him. "I appreciate that, thank you." I said with a bit more emotion.

My mind reeled back backwards, working its way into the memories of these past months. The same memories I had so greatly wished to forget.

The black oblivion slowly changed, morphing into a memory I had resurfaced from the darkest parts of my sanity.

The scene slowly morphed, adding color and light. The ground below us grew green grass as the sky remained a pitch black. A moon appeared, half hidden by night clouds. I reached my hand out, just as I expected, it started to rain. I realized we would not get wet, but I still felt the droplets come into contact with my skin.

"I'm guessing an explanation is in order" I said to them.

They all looked at me, confused expressions on all of their faces. Except for Batman though, he knew exactly what I was doing. He nodded at me, encouraging me to continue.

"Robin? Where are we?" Artemis asked.

"You'll see" I said calmly.

I walked into what my mind formed as a small clearing. It was a graveyard, or at least it was to me. There were two tombstones. I winced as I recollected what happened. M'gann noticed this and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Robin?" she asked.

I shrugged her hand off, offering a crooked smile. "I'm fine" I lied.

By the way it looked, she wasn't entirely convinced.

My eyes narrowed as an image of a nine year old boy appeared. He was kneeling in front of the grave site; his apparel obviously showed he had just attended a funeral. His tux was completely soaked though; his bangs were stuck to his forehead as he covered his face in his hands. Even in the sound of the rain, you could hear his silent crying as you watched the tears roll down his face.

"I want you guys to know how it all started, what made me do what I did. What convinced me to just suddenly get up and leave." I said.

I sighed as I felt all their stares shift from me to the boy constantly.

"This boy…" I took in another breath. "Is me…when I was nine years old."

I saw their eyes widen as they looked back to the boy. He was still crying as he let the rain soak him. His hands were covering his face as he still didn't move from that one spot.

"My real name is Dick Grayson, but sometimes I'm called Richard Wayne. Richard was originally my middle name." I said slowly, making sure they understood each word.

"We were part of the circus, Haley's to be exact. Both my parents fell to their deaths in a trapeze act."

I heard most of them gasp. The others didn't say anything as they silently frowned or stared towards the ground. On the other hand, I couldn't stop watching the boy. The boy was me. Somehow, I almost did recognize myself.

I felt someone place a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face Zatanna. She looked at me with tortured eyes. Her hand reached up to touch my face, her fingers grazing my cheek. She frowned as she spilled her own tears.

I reached up to touch my face, only then did I realize I was crying. I looked at the wet substance on my hand confusingly. I didn't expect this reaction coming from myself. I turned around, away from all of them. My fist clenched, I was angry and upset with myself. After all these years it still felt like my fault as I let my parents die.

"None of this was your fault" Wally said defiantly.

I smirked. "I forgot you guys were in my head"

I grimaced. "It is my fault." I growled.

"Rob, you know its not." I turned towards him, feeling furious.

"I LET THEM DIE WALLY!, I WATCHED THEM DIE! I COULD HAVE WARNED THEM!...now they're dead." I finished dejectedly.

All of them seemed shocked at my sudden outburst. In truth, I had never revealed these inner most thoughts to anyone. Not even Bruce.

"I'm sorry" I told them. "Like I said, this is my pain to deal with, I shouldn't share it with you"

I turned away from them and started walking out of the scene. I heard their footsteps as they started following me. The scene slowly vanished before us as it morphed into a new one. I stopped walking, letting the illusion take place. We were now in my room, inside the Wayne Manor. It was dark but the window in the corner offered some moonlight. It was nighttime, but nothing could be seen on the sky, not even the stars. The room was simple, but comfortable. I grimaced as an image of me appeared. I was in the corner, my head clutched in my hands as my knees were brought up so that I could hide my face. I was wearing civilian clothes, the same clothes I had worn that first night I had left Zatanna. I winced at the memory. I was afraid to experience what I knew was coming next.

The image of me started screaming. His screams were only partly muffled as he clutched his head in his hands, refusing to look up. I sounded absolutely broken, heartbroken to exact. I sounded like I was being electrocuted all over again. This was the night I had gone completely insane and had lost my heart.

"Robin" Kaldur looked at my image fearfully. My image was still screaming as I slowly watched him.

"I went insane" I explained to them. My tone was a bit joking, but I knew the situation was anything but humor filled.

"This was my first night away from you guys" I added.

Their eyes widened, I saw them flinch as another scream came out of my image. I stood there, listening to myself being tortured from the inside.

"Let's go" I said, turning away from myself. They all nodded eagerly, I was guessing they hated seeing me break down like this.

I walked away as another scream pierced through the air. The scene once again, started morphing suddenly. From the corner of my eyes, I looked at Zatanna. She had her arms around herself, as if she was holding something tightly against her chest. Her eyes were directed at the ground. I saw Artemis walk up to her and wrapped her arms around her shoulders comfortingly, only then did I realize Zee was crying. I looked over to my other teammates; they either looked exhausted or scared as hell. Some had a strange mixture of both.

The illusion slowly changed to an alley street. I recognized it as one of Gotham's. I was in my costume as Barbara and I expected the scene before us. I noticed my right arm was bleeding. I realized this was just a memory from a few weeks ago.

A group of men were scattered on the floor, bruised and bloodied. Most of them were unconscious or were groaning in pain.

"Were you even trying?!" Barbara scolded my image. She turned to face him, obviously furious.

He didn't answer her, only to just turn away and start walking towards a motorcycle that was parked beside them.

"You got shot for goodness sake!, were you trying to die!?" she yelled. I saw everyone flinch, either at the fact I got shot or the tone of her voice.

No answer came from him as he turned around to face her.

Her eyes widened. "Oh my god…were you?" she asked fearfully.

Still no answer.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" she asked seriously.

My image stared emotionlessly at her. "I was…tempted."

I heard everybody gasped, so did Barbara's image. My image and I stayed emotionless as we remained silent.

He then smirked darkly, a hint of humor in his voice. "No worries Barb, I'm not suicidal."

He started walking away but she turned him around roughly.

"You were actually trying to kill yourself, is that what your telling me?!, or at least you were tempted to do it" she spat.

No answer from him.

"If it hurts this much to be away from her, then why dont you just go back!" The question came more out as a statement instead.

"You know why!" The memory of me growled. He turned away sharply, heading for the cycle.

She blocked his way. "No, I dont know why." She stared at him defiantly. "We used to be partners, we used to be friends, but now, you wont tell me anything. But I can clearly see your being put through hell."

He stared at her coldly, not saying anything. "Get out of my way" He growled. I quirked an eyebrow, I didnt realize I sounded so furious that night.

Barbara's memory self shook her head. "Why are you doing this Rob?" she asked softly.

"You want to know why?" he hissed. "Fine"

I looked over to my team, their eyes were all glued to the scene before them.

He took a bold step towards her, until he was towering over her. "You know what line of work we do..." he started. "You know what happens to people like us"

He shook his head slowly, backing away from her several feet. "People like us dont get a fairytale ending. We dont get what we want, all because of the mask."

He walked over to the wall, we saw his face grimace as his shoulders went rigid. In the next second, my image surprised everybody by punching a large crater in the wall.

"You know what happens when we involve someone we love into our lives. They all just end up dead" He said the last few words dejectedly. I saw my teamates eyes widen. I saw some of the girls cry as they watched and heard what I said.

His expression was cold as he stared at her, she stared back without fear. "The minute Bruce let Rachel back into his life, the second he told her he loved her...it was already over. Shes dead" he spat. I looked over to Bruce. His expression stayed calm as he nodded at me, telling me it was alright.

"The same happened to Matthew, he died right in front of us Barb" He continued, but a bit more gently.

At the mention of her dead boyfriends name, her eyes widened as she clenched her fists. Matthew was Barbaras fiance, but when enemies found out who he really was, he was gunned down right in front of us one night. Barbara watched him die.

"So, your just going to give up on her?, your just going to stop loving her?" She asked.

He didnt answer for a moment as he stared at the ground. "I'll never stop loving her...for as long as I live"

My fists clenched as I closed my eyes tightly. I didnt want to hear those words from my mouth. I didnt want her to hear them, but I knew it was true. I never stopped loving her. I growled inside my head, cursing that memeory.

"So, your just going to continue torturing yourself like this?" Barbaras image asked. Neither did I or my image answered as we continued to stare at the floor.

"Goodbye Barbara" he said. He started walking away.

"Robin!, answer me!" she demanded.

He turned sharply towards her, he looked absolutely furious. "I CANT HAVE HER!" he caught himself, surprised by his own outburst. The team looked as likewise shocked.

He frowned, biting his lip. He slumped against the wall, covering his face with his hands as he braught his knees up to hide himself. _"I look so broken"_ I observed.

"I cant have her" he repeated dejectedly. "I cant risk her life that way" My image's voice sounded thick, I remebered I was silently crying to myself when I said that.

"Its better this way, she wont get hurt because of me anymore." He stood up and walked over to the motorcycle. He took a helmet from under and put it on.

"Rob, your making a mistake" Barbara whispered, walking up to him.

He looked at her one last time, then he shook his head slowly. "I dont think I am"

And with that, he drove away into the night. I hadnt seen Barbara since.

I looked at my team. They all stared back at me, looking absolutely horrified. M'gann was crying as she stared at me. Zatanna back was to me, but I could hear her sobbing. Artemis's expression was blank, but her eyes were fearful. Wally shook his head, as if trying to shake away a bad dream. Conner and Kaldur looked like they just woke up from an insane nightmare.

I sighed. "I warned you guys, insanity is possible" I started walking away, heading who knows where. Before my very eyes, the scene changed once again.


	7. Chapter 7: Love Is Like Fire

**Robins POV**

The scene morphed again. As the alley slowly faded away, a new illusion took its place. I closed my eyes, waiting for it to be over. I looked back at my friends, noting on how they looked. Horrified was an understatement.

"Im sorry..." I murmured, some heads shot up, obviously surprised. "I shouldnt have done this" I said.

"Dont stop..." Zatanna murmured. My eyes widened as I looked at her.

"I want to know" she continued.

I shook my head slowly. "Its hurting you..."

"I dont care!" she said defiantly. I looked at her, confused. She took a step towards me until I was directly looking down at her. Her hand reached up as if to touch my face, but she dropped it all the same. I bit my lip, feeling guilty.

"Please.." she begged.

I sighed deeply, secretly taking in her scent. "I...Im not..." I trailed off. I couldn say it, I couldnt deny her.

"Just...tell me when to stop" I said as I relented. I walked away from her, moving to the side so that my senses wouldnt be so blurred by her presence.

The scene finished changing. I realized we were inside the Wayne Manor again, but this time inside my bathroom. My image was staring at himself in the mirror, a tortured expression on his face.

I fliched as I remebered what happened that night. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see it again.

"Robin?" M'gann voice said.

"Just watch it if you want to" I said as I shut my eyes tightly.

In the next second I heard the deafening crack and shatter of glass. I opened my eyes, a large crater was where the mirror had been.

My image stared at his bloodied hand that was cut by the glass. There were bits and pices of glass still clinging to the skin as the blood trickled down his arm. I stared at the red, crimson liquid as it soaked into the long sleeve of my button up white shirt.

"You punched...the mirror" Wally said.

I had to admit, it sounded a bit funny if you just said it so casually. But if you actually saw me to do it with your own eyes, it looked horrifying.

"I...there are no words" I murmured.

My image didnt move to bandage his hand as he continued to stare at the blood that colored his fingers. I heard somebody wince as the blood trickled down onto the floor and into the sink. I grimaced as the smell of bitterness and metal covered the air.

They all looked at me, wanting an explanation why I had willingly just punched glass.

I sighed as I casually ran a hand through my hair, stalling for time.

"I...dint like what I saw" I started as I stared at the blood on the floor. "I didnt like what I saw in my eyes."

I breathed through my mouth as the scent of blood overpowered my senses. "I saw pain, guilt, sadness..."

"I barely even recognized myself" I finished with a whisper.

I knew what was going to happen next.

I started reciting what I said that night, it was perfectly imprinted onto my mind.

"Yet leave me not; yet, if thou wilt, be free;Love me no more, but love my love of thee." I said in unison with my image.

I saw all their eyes widen, in either surprise or in confusion, I didnt know.

I closed my eyes as I continued. "And painful pleasure turns to pleasing pain, for it was not my lips you kissed but my soul. Only til engrossing death do I wish to thee thy part, but in truth not even then."

My eyes watered but I blinked them away. I continued to say in unison with my image what I said that night. I was wondering if she understood what they really meant.

"Thy blood flow downs white skin. A painful contrast, a painful reminder, a numb pleasure of pain. Yet not even this was as painful to part from thee, no wound, no suffering, not even death could compare. If only cupids blinded heart could have left mine to spare"

The meaning was obvious to begin with if you listened intently._ "Id rather die than lose you, I'll love you for as long as I live, thats why I shouldnt live anymore"_

I was dangerously...tempted...to just end it all. It seemed so foollishly simple. A bullet to the brain. A dagger to the heart, loss of blood. So many ways, it was almost entertaining.

I chuckled darkly at my morbid poetry.

They all looked at me, obviously still saddened as they listened to the words I said.

I smirked darkly. "I guess you guys didnt know I could recite and make poems"

"Yet the meaning behind these words, are not what they seem to be" J'onn said. I smiled mentally to myself. He had guessed what it all meant by connecting with my emotions. He knew I was tempted.

"No worries..." I said casually. "Im not suicidal..."

I had decided I would just live with the pain. It was like my own sentenced punishment. I would slowly let that fire chare and burn me alive until there was nothing left. It was my self proclaimed punishment, to suffer this eternal broken state until the day I would breath my last breath. I made two rules for myself though, I couldnt quicken the process by killing myself, I considered that cheating. I couldnt try to forget about it either, it was useless to try anyway, I couldnt forget about her. So why waste my sanity on trying?

"There is a fire that burns within you, a fire that constantly burns and is fueled by your pain." J'onn noted.

My eyes widened in surprise behind the black mask. I forget they were in my head again and could hear what I was thinking.

"You have the power to extuinguish it, but you choose not to. Why?" he asked.

I tilted my head, thinking. "I accept that fire" I answered.

"I want it to burn me." I murmured dejectedly. "Its one thing that keeps me alive"

"Id rather be burned and feel pain than to feel nothing at all" I finished as I walked away.

This was going to be a very long night I realized. I turned my back on my image, away from the blood scented room and away from the morbid nightmare that were sure to await my memory that night. I heard the footsteps of my teamates as they followed me.

"_Love is a fire, but whether it chooses to warm your heart or to burn you alive, the decision is never really yours to begin with"_ I thought silently.

I knew they could hear my thoughts, but I didnt bother to turn around and see their reactions.

What I didnt see was Zatanna reach out to me, but drop her hand as she stared at the floor. What I didnt hear was those sweet words that were like music. "Love is like life, long and hard, it could end badly, or it could end in greatness, but all the same, I still wish you to love me"

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTES: was the poems okay?, I made most of them myself except for the first quote. Im not really sure about this chapter, I'll try harder next time. I hope you guys like it anyway. PEACE!**


	8. Chapter 8: Painful Experiences

**Robins POV**

The scene morphed into something that sent shivers down my spine. I gritted my teeth, my fists clenching at my sides. It was painful enough the first time, I didnt need a second replay.

I realized everything was just happening at a random order.

I sighed, drawing a much needed calm breath. I promised I would show her, and I couldnt go back on that now. I just hoped I wouldnt accidentally scream out in pain. I bit down on my tounge, almost to the point that I could taste that metallic familiarity of blood.

The walls painted a gray, dark, dreary feeling. Everything was black or reletively dark. On the other side of the room, a window was open with the black curtains gently swaying side to side with the wind.

The team eyed the room curiously, my eyes narrowed behind the mask as I mentally braced myself for what was about to come.

A red headed girl entered the room, catching everybodys attention. She was clad a dark gray jacket with a matching black skirt and stockings. Her long fiery red hair cascaded down her shoulders and down her back, giving her an exotic but almost dangerous appearance. Her eyes were a deep, piercing green, looking almost like it glowed in this absolute darkness.

She went to the old, wooden table in the center of the room, softly brushing her fingers against the rough wooden planks. She produced a dart from her inner pocket and started throwing them towards the old dart board across the room.

"I know your there, stop hiding" she said without stopping her little game. She didnt even turn away or move her gaze.

Everbody looked towards the window where we caught a flicker of movement. The image was me.

I was dressed in my Robin costume as usual, a blank expression on my face as I leaned against the window.

I saw everybody's eyes widen in surprise. Not many people could so easily identify my presence.

"You wanted to see me" my image noted bluntly as he didnt move towards her.

She looked at him with a playful smirk on her face, but soon turned away resuming her game. The dart landed perfectly on the red spot with a soft resounding thud.

"Wanna play, Boy Wonder?" she asked casually.

The image of me scowled. "I dont have time for this" he hissed.

"So serious" she teased. She smirked at him, walking towards him ever so slowly. She stopped as she stood right in front of him, that same smirk still plastered on her face. She raised her hand as if to touch his face but he moved away, backing away from her.

"Why Robin?, not feeling the aster?" she smirked. The teams eyes widened. Her voice had changed to perfectly match Zatannas.

He grimaced but then hid it all in a second, resuming his calm facade.

I felt all their gazes turn towards me, I stood still, my eyes not leaving the wall.

"Her names Identity. She has the power to change into anyone shes seen before in her memories. She can copy even their voice"

"But Ive never met her..." Zatanna said as she stood beside me.

My body was suddenly extremely alert as she stood close to me. My thoughts scattered for a moment before I bit down hard on my lip. It was worse than being drugged with Joker Toxin. My senses immediatly blurred when I was around her.

"Shes telekenetic, like M'gann" I explained. "She invaded my memories a few months ago, but she only succesfully retrieved the moments of when I was with you"

"How?" she said. "And why only our memories?" she whispered the last few words.

I bit down on my lip harder as she said 'our memories'. _"May God forbid I not endure pain for every living second"_ I thought sarcastically.

"Because she only hears the thoughts that pass through your head at that specific moment."

"And because...I was only always thinking about _you_" I added with a whisper. I wasnt sure if she or the others had heard me say that, but I still turned my head away, not wanting to see the expression on her face.

At that moment, the red headed copy cat smiled up at the memory me. The obvious twinkle of mischief was evident in her gaze.

"You know, its getting really tiring to hear about that girl" she stated.

My fists clenched the same time my image grimaced. I hated it everytime she read my thoughts. It sickend me to the point I was tempted to send her pain through the link on purpose.

"Its none of your bussiness" He growled. "**Get out of my head**" His voice obviously indicated it was a threat. But she still ignored him all the same.

"Just forget about her already, shes not so great"

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Zatanna shyly hide her face with the veil of her silky black hair. I grimaced.

She reached up to touch his face, this time he didnt jerk away.

"I can be anyone you want" she said seductively. She morphed to perfectly change into Artemis. "Or, if your interested in something else..."

Artemis's eyes went wide. So did Wally's.

Then she turned into M'gann, then Barbara. My breath hitched in my throat as I braced for what was about to come next.

"If you really want her that badly, I dont think she'll be too hard to replace" she whispered. Her appearance changed into a perfect copy of Zatanna.

I stared at my image, watching for any reaction. I know I didnt react when she changed into the others, becuase I didnt care about anyone else. But I also knew it was like a stab to the heart the moment she morphed into Zatanna.

She reached up to cradle his face in her hands, their bodies dangerously close.

"Ive missed you so much Robin" she said.

I shivered, her voice was the perfect imitation of Zatannas. I felt my heart ache.

I always thought the term **'Broken Hearted' **was just a fanciful discription of losing someone you cared for. I never imagined it actually felt like it sounded. My heart ached, like as if it was actually broken. Every beat, every second felt like another constant stabbing that would never go away.

My mouth drew into a thin, hard line as I remembered what happened next. I just hoped that after all this, I would have enough strength to finally stay away from her.

_"Shes been hurt enough"_ I thought. _"She doesnt need me to add to that"_

I saw tears roll down the whites of his mask as he silently stared into the copy of Zatannas eyes. He didnt budge, he didnt move. He just procedded to stay transfixed to that spot as he stared into her blue orbs. I hadnt seen her for what it seemed like an eternity, I understood that I couldnt look away.

She leaned in as if to kiss him.

She was stopped, a black gloved hand was covering her mouth as a grimace was formed on my images face. He stepped away from her, untangling himself from her hands. His fists were clenched at his sides as she stared confusingly at him.

"You can look like her...you can dress like her." He growled. "You can even have her _voice_".

I realized I sounded obviously furious.

"But you will _never_ be Zatanna" He said.

Her face was absolutely dumbfounded, surprised but mostly confused. She morphed back to her original form, flicking her red hair behind her shoulders as she smiled at him. "I guess I cant change your mind?" she said.

He ignored her, turning away as he silently made his way back to the window.

He stopped for a moment, staring out into the darkness. "If you actually plan on making yourself useful, you know where to find the team"

"What if I want to find you?" she asked teasingly.

He didnt answer for a moment.

She sighed, turning back to her game with the dartboard. "I know you love her, and its not going to go away anytime soon, that much is obvious."

The dart landed on the red spot.

"But you dont need to torture yourself like this, your a masochist you know that?" she said casually.

He cackled. The sound was a bit unnerving as much as it was scary.

"What if I need your help one of these days?" she asked without turning away from the game.

"I work alone" he said. She turned to look at him, but it was too late. He was already gone into the night.

I bit down on my lip as the vision faded and turned into a black oblivion.

This was too much. Too much.

All the emotions of each memory came crashing down on me at each scene. I didnt want to remember. I didnt want to see it again. But ironically, I also didnt want to forget.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the headache to subside.

"You promised" someone sobbed. It was Zatannas voice.

My eyes shot right open. I hadnt realized the scene had morphed into a new memory. My eyes widened as I realized this one the one thing I had wanted to forget. My heart started beating rapidly as it played out in front of our eyes.

_"I dont want to see it again"_ I whispered desperately in my head. I shut my eyes tightly, but that didnt stop me from hearing what happened that night.

"I lied" my image said.

Zatannas image shook her head as if she didnt believe what he was saying. Her eyes were building up tears. "Your lying...you dont mean that" she protested.

She stared at him. He stared back at her coldly.

"I dont love you" he said sternly. Each word precise and distinct.

"I-" she started.

"I dont want you" he said.

I saw Zatanna flinch by my side. My fists clenched at my sides. I didnt want to see this again, it hurt too much. But I didnt have the will or the strength to stop it from playing.

"Please..." her voice was pleading.

"Promise me something?" he asked, his voice almost gentle.

I looked at my teamates for a brief few seconds. All eyes watched in pain as they saw what happened that night, and felt what I felt throught the link. I saw most of them cry.

"Take care of yourself" he said.

"Goodbye Zatanna"

He backed away, but she reached out to him. He went towards her, pinning her hands to her sides. He bent down and placed his lips on her forehead for just a second before pulling away.

"Since you made me a promise, Ill make you one as well" he breathed.

He shook his head. "I promise Ill stay out of your life as much as possible, you will forget about me completely."

"It will be as if I never existed." he whispered.

Her eyes were closed, but that didnt stop the tears streaming down her face. "I love you."

He was silent for the shortest moment. I noticed my image stopped breathing for a second.

"Good bye" He said as he backed away. "I love you Zee" he whispered low enough so that she couldnt hear.

The vision turned into a black oblivion.

"Enough!"

I cut the link severely, forcing all of them out of my head.

"I cant take this" I whispered as we were all back inside the Bio-ship.

_"I cant take this..."_


	9. Chapter 9: I'll Never Stop

**Robins POV**

I clutched my head in my hands for a moment, drawing in a shaky breath. I grimaced as my teeth clenched.

"Enough" I whispered.

I stood up, ignoring all of their confused, startled expressions and glances. I looked at my wrist computer, making sure my jet was still hovering below us. Surprisingly, only ten minutes had passed since Ive let them into my mind. It felt like it had been hours.

"I cant take this" I growled coldly.

I walked towards the entrance of the ship, ignoring the stares I got from everybody.

I had to leave, I had to stay away. I couldnt stay here anymore. It hurt too much. It was too much to handle.

She knows. She knows.

She knows I lied, she knows everything.

_"She knows I still love her...and that I never stopped."_ I thought sadly.

_"Whats wrong with that?"_ I was now at war with myself again.

_"I have to stay away, Ive hurt her enough already"_ I thought in my head.

The voice stopped. I knew I was right.

I looked at her one last time, my eyes filming over with tears behind the mask. _"You dont need me Zee, you probrably never did"_

_"You need her" _The voice in my head challenged back.

I ignored it.

"Richard" Bruce's voice sounded sternly.

"No" I said defiantly, turning back to him.

"I cant stay" I said, my voice cold.

"I cant take this" I added with a whisper. Even though it was a whisper, I knew he had heard me perfectly. I also knew he understood exactly what I meant.

"Enough is enough" I said as I turned my back on them. "Dont expect me home anytime soon"

"Robin!" Artemis said.

I stopped in my tracks, I still didnt turn around as I stared at the floor.

"Stay" Wally said simply as he placed a hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged his hand off coldly.

"Why wont you stay? you just returned to us" Kaldur said quietly.

I bit down on my lip as I chose my words carefully. I needed them to understand that they had to let me go. Every second here just left me in constant suffering. Every minute I was here only gave her pain as well. I didnt want that.

"Ive changed" I started. "Im not the same person anymore"

I turned towards them, a stern expression on my face. "I dont belong here"

"Your a liar" Artemis said.

Everybody turned towards her with s surprised expression on their face.

"You keep telling yourself that, yet you dont even believe it" She crossed the room to stand in front of me.

"Were your friends, were _family_" she insisted.

I felt a pang of pain through my heart. But all the same, I had become extremely adept at hiding my suffering, Im sure they didnt notice.

"Dont leave" she said as tears glazed her silver storm eyes.

Wally placed a hand on her shoulder, guiding her away from me as he took her into his arms. He looked at me, pleading with his eyes.

"Family" I repeated emotionlessly. _"You cant...die too"_

Tears spilled over, not even the mask on my face helped stop them.

Zatanna reached out to me, dropping her hand a moment later as I didnt respond.

"Youll die...if you stay near me" I said. All my fears, everything I was scared off, I spilled my heart out.

"Everything that happened today proves exactly just that" I said. "I cant risk that"

"Richard" Bruce started.

"No!"

I couldnt take it. I had to get out of here. I was so cloes to breaking down. I could feel the hard walls I had built around myself slowly break down every second I was with them. I wanted to stay, I wanted to so bad. But I knew I couldnt.

"I cant take this!"

I turned away sharply, heading for the entrance. I was ready to jump through the door any moment and into my jet. I was ready to leave everything behind. I was ready to give up this half of my life and go somewhere where none of them would find me. I wouldnt come back, not even for Gotham. Not even for Bruce.

I felt someone invade my mind before I could stop it from advancing. I stopped breathing as my movements were halted. I was frozen to the spot by an unknown force.

M'gann had used her power to hold me in place, much to my obvious chagrin.

I mentally struggled against the invisible chains that were shackled onto me.

"Meg, let me go" I said desperately.

"No" she said defiantly.

"Why cant you just accept I cant stay?!" I asked.

"Because I cant!"

My eyes shot open as I realized that was Zatannas voice. I sucked in a quick breath.

"Zee" I whispered as she came close to me.

My breath hitched in my throat as I stared into her blue eyes. I couldnt look away. _"Please...dont"_ I thought. Dont make it harder.

"I know you still love me" she said. My heart ached, yet at the same time, I felt it pick up speed.

I shook my head slowly. "Zee, Im not good for you" _"Dont...love me"_

"Thats a lie" she said desperately.

She slowly placed a hand on my cheek. My eyes fluttered closed as I couldnt help but lean into her touch. I had missed this so much. I had missed this warmth, this heat. I missed _her_.

I felt a warm current of energy immediatly seep into me.

I opened my eyes slowly, still staring at her. She tilted her head slightly, staring back at me. Blue eyes met blue eyes, even with the mask on. I knew she was staring right back at me, I wanted to look away. That wall was ever so slowly becoming brittle and weak, I couldnt let that happen. I had to stay away.

"Dont you feel that?" she whispered.

I bit my lip.

"Dont you feel it when were together, and the pain afterwards when were not?" she asked lightly. Her blue eyes bore deeply into mine.

"Zee" I couldnt stop. I couldnt stop staring at her. One of half of my mind wanted to run out of instinct, the other half was desperate to have her by my side again. My mind and my heart were both at war with each other, and I dangerously wasnt sure which one was going to win or lose.

"Your not safe...with me" My voice cracked as I whispered those few words.

She shook her head violently. "The safest place on Earth for me is with _you_"

I took in a shaky breath as I watched her blue eyes glaze over with tears. _"Please...stop" _I thought desperately.

Both her hands cupped my face as her fingers slowly took the mask off of my face. I closed my eyes tightly.

"Please...Robin" she begged.

I winced at the pain I heard in her voice.

I felt her kiss each of my eye lids lightly. I hesistantly opened my eyes, revealing everything I was to her.

"I still love you...and I'll never stop" she said confidently. These were the same words I had wanted to say to her, but couldnt risk saying them because I thought she wouldnt forget about me. I neede her to forget about me. It didnt matter that I would die of unrequited love, it was my punishment.

"Zee I-"

She cut me off by pressing her lips to mine. I melted into her embrace with no hesitation. I wanted to stop, but couldnt. More tears spilled over my eyes and down my face.

I could feel M'gann slowly but hesistantly release her hold on me. When I was finally free, I still didnt stop. My resolve, my reasons, everything I was fighting for didnt matter anymore. They seemed useless at the moment. It didnt matter at the moment because she was finally with me.

One of my hands cradled her face, bringing her even closer to me. I gently bit down on her lip, my other hand placing itself on her slim waist.

_"I love you"_ I thought. _"And I'll never stop"_

My heart started beating rapidly through my chest. I felt more alive than I had felt anything through these past months. I had beenn living my life in a blur, in a constant haze filled with nothing but pain and suffering.

It was strange, I felt _whole_. My heart felt _healthy_. It didnt feel like it was healing, but it felt like there was never a wound in the first place. Like as if she never left.

I understood, because the truth was, she never did leave.

Neither in my mind nor my heart.

* * *

**Authors Note: WERE NOT DONE YET PEOPLE! I know this might seem like the ending, but believe more drama and tragedy to come. Get ready your tissue boxes!**

**I wanted to thank for every person who reviewed, U GUYS R AWESOME! Including the guests who didnt have an account and still took their time to give me a review. Thanks so much!**


	10. Chapter 10: Wish For Normalacy

**Robins POV**

Our lips slowly parted, eyes fluttering open as if we had just awoken from a dream. Even though it was over, I didnt let go of her. My arms were still locked protectively around her waist as I stared at her face for any reaction.

The truth was, I couldnt find the will to let go. Not at the moment atleast. My body felt strangely numb, yet at the same time, the beating of my heart had accelerated to a point I thought to be unhealthy. My mind was blank, currently blurred. Intoxicated by the taste of her. It was like sweet poison.

I slowly let go of her as her eyes searched something in mine. She was probrably wondering why I had responded to the kiss, when I had so clearly stated I couldnt stay. I didnt even know the answer to that myself.

My skin left hers, my body immediatly missing the warmth she gave out.

"I cant stay" I stated weakly. "Im sorry Zee"

I was sorry, but that seemed like something I was saying very often nowadays.

Her eyes widened in surprise before the momentary emotion passed and was replaced with a sense of panic and fear.

"Robin, no-" Evident panic was in her voice.

"You dont understand!" I said desperately as I cut her off. My voice was strained, it was obvious I didnt have a too good hold on my feelings. I felt dangerously over the edge.

"Whats to understand?" she argued. She took my hand, pressing it to her cheek. My hand involuntarily curled, cradling her face.

"I love you"

Those three words made me close my eyes for a moment, listening to the quick, easy beats of my own heart beat.

I took her face in both my hands, being extremely gentle. I felt the heat of the blush that was painted on her cheeks and felt her wet tears on my fingertips.

I bent down, ever so slowly placing my lips on her forehead, kissing her hair lightly.

"I love you more" I said sincerly. Those simple words rang clear and true.

Then I pulled away, immediatly feeling that large empty loss Ive been trying to deal with the past few months.

"Thats why I cant stay" I explained.

She tilted her head slightly at me, obviously confused. The corners of her eyes built up tears, but I wiped them away with my thumbs before they could have a chance to spill.

"There were so many times I wished for...normalacy" I started. "Where I wished that...we were _normal_"

I looked straight into her eyes, wanting her to know every single word I was gonna say was absolutely true.

"You couldve been walking in the park. We couldve met at the movies, at a restuarant, _anywhere in the world_" I said. "And I would have fallen in love with you anyway"

I smiled sadly, but I could tell it didnt reach my eyes. "But fate was cruel. Instead, I met my love under a circumstance saying I couldnt have her with me"

Her eyes filmed over with tears.

"If we were normal..." I started.

"We couldve gotten married, we couldve had kids..."

This was what I truly wanted, I wanted to spend my life with her. But sadly, before I even realized it, I had fallen in love with her, yet I also knew she couldnt be with me.

"I wanted it so badly Zee, I wanted to have a normal, long, life with you" My voice cracked. " I hought that it didnt even need to be long, as long as that I got to spend those years with you."

My hand dropped from her face to lay numbly by my side. Her tears spilled over, her gaze never looking away from mine. Her hands went up to her face to cover her mouth.

"But we both know the world isnt perfect, and that it never will be." My voice was more compossed by now.

"The world will forever need heroes"

I looked at her sternly.

"Robin will always have enemies...and I will always be Robin"

I took her in my arms again, cradling her to my chest. Listening to her sobbing, I buried my face in her hair.

"The mask took my life away, but I cant blame it for everything. _I_ took my life away"

My breathing was ragged and uneven.

"I was born with the name Richard Grayson, but that boy died the night his parents did. And then Robin was born"

"I thought that part of me was dead, _long_ gone" I made sure each word was precise and distinct. I said each one slowly.

"Until I met you" I whispered.

I took her hands in mine, bringing them close to my face as I kissed her fingers. "Ill always belong to you, never forget that"

But then I looked seriously at her, scared of her reaction. "But I need you to forget me"

Her eyes widened in shock.

"I need you to forget I ever existed" I repeated.

It pained me to say those words. Telling her she needed to forget those memories. _Our_ memories. The very moments we shared together.

"Ill never forget you, I couldnt even if I tried" she said.

My eyes widened as my breath hitched in my throat.

"Never" she repeated as she buried her face in my chest.

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTE: WERE NOT DONE!**

more to come, so stay tuned!


	11. Chapter 11: Why and Because

**Zatannas POV**

I placed my hands on his chest, smothering my senses to the extent that I couldnt feel anything else. One of hands went up slowly, leaving a trail of warmth up my back and into my hair. I felt him shiver against me as I buried my face in his neck, unintentionally placing my lips on his skin.

I didnt say anything.

I didnt do anything.

I was frozen.

But I could feel a sense of dread toying with the strings of my heart. Like I could feel a looming shadow over my figure. I tried to ignore it, telling myself it was just a mere anxiety, but the rapid beating of my heart only increased as the seconds ticked by.

At first I thought it was Robin that was making me feel so. That the sensation of his presense had suceeded in making my heart go haywire. Which of course, this idea seemed sensible and completely logical to me.

But I knew it wasnt that.

My magic senses were telling me something. Warning me about something.

To my later regret, I ignored the feeling.

I saw him smile at me as I looked back at up him. His beautiful blue eyes held such sadness. Sadness, regret and anger. All the emotions I couldnt even begin to fathom at the moment. I didnt understand it. We were together now, wasnt he happy?

He bent down, placing his warm lips on mine for the briefest moment. I responded in confusion as I felt his hands settle tightly on my waist, as if he was protecting me from something.

I looked back up at his eyes, and felt my own widen in alarm and fear at the darkness I saw in them.

I clutched onto him tighter, afraid he was going to just dissapear right out of my fingertips.

He kissed my forehead, his sweet breath upon my face. I closed my eyes, relishing every moment.

Then that sense of dread tolled at my heart, and I knew something was coming.

The hold on my arm was tightened, almost to the point of discomfort. I struggled slightly in his grasp.

"Robin?"

Then I realized he was only clutching on to me to restrain any movement. Any movement I might have done to escape.

He raised his hand, revealing a silver liquid inside a glass flask in his fingers. My eyes widened as my senses automatically drew back from him, but I couldnt. He injected the syrum into my neck. I gasped at the momentary shock of the needle being inserted into my skin. Then I looked up at him, sadness gracing my features.

He smiled at me almost comfortingly. It was a guilty smile, a little regretful.

"I love you" his voice said, but by then, my eyes were already half closed as my senses continued to blur ever so slowly.

I felt him kiss my neck lovingly, then he raised his head to kiss my lips.

I fully closed my eyes, letting the feeling of him completely envelope me.

"I love you Zatanna" he said again.

"I love you Robin" I answered back autmotically.

I blinked tiredly as my vision began to dim.

"Why?" I whispered as I fought to stay coherent. I knew he understood I was referring to him drugging me.

Tears spilled from his eyes and mine.

"Because I love you"

I kissed him again desperately, feeling my heart break in two pieces.

Was he really so unwilling to stay with me just for the sake of my safety?

His lips were the last thing I felt before my vision completely blacked out and I felt myself go limp in his arms.

* * *

**Robins POV**

I saw her blue eyes widen but resolve in comprehension as I injected the needle into her skin. A beautiful kind of sadness graced her feautures.

I tried to smile at her. Trying to reassure her everything was gonna be okay.

But I knew the smile didnt reach my eyes.

"I love you" I said truthfully. It was the truth and nothing short of it. It was the reason why I was doing this. Constantly hurting myself, dragging my already broken heart through a bed of thorns. I did it for her.

I did it all for her.

I placed my lips on the spot on her neck which had been previously punctured by the was as if I was saying sorry. I kissed her lovingly, adoringly. Conveying everything I had into every move I made.

Including the fear and desperation I felt to be with her.

I moved my head up, kissing her lips.

My head felt dizzy as I tasted her breath in my mouth.

"I love you Zatanna" I said again.

"I love you Robin" was her response.

I saw her eyes were already half closed as she fought to stay awake. I felt a pang of pain and guilt hit me, yet I didnt stop it.

"Why?" she whispered. Her eyes held sadness.

Tears spilled from her own eyes the same time they spilled from mine.

"Because I love you"

I kissed her again, almost desperately.

Though after a moment, she stopped. And I knew the poison had taken its affect.

Her eyes fully closed as she fell limp in my arms.

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTE: were obviously not done, are we?**

**The drug Robin had given to Zatanna was a sleeping toxin that would erase her memories of the past 24 hours.**

**I know Ive been gone a really long time and Im really sorry about that. Schools started and I also got sick at the same time. I wasnt allowed near the computer either.**

**Ill try to update as soon as possible but please watch out for my updates during fridays and saturdays**

**I love you guys! thanks for all the awesome comments and support. Lots of action and drama to come in the next chapter by the way. Spoilers may be given out to loyal commentaters.**

**PEACE!**


	12. Chapter 12: When Lives End

**Robins POV**

She fell to the ground, but I caught her before she could hit her head. I held her limp in my arms as I stared at her face. I placed two fingers on her neck, hearing her breathing slow as I felt her pulse slow her heartrate under my fingertips.

I clutched her tightly in my arms.

Her expression was blank, yet at the same time, it didnt look peacful.

I bit down on my lip to stop tears. I bit down so hard that I tasted the metallic familiarity of blood a few seconds later.

"Im...so sorry Zee"

I brushed stray strands of hair away from her face, kissing her forehead for the briefest moment.

"Forgive me" I whispered.

I wanted to break down. I wanted to hide in a corner and scream.

It was like I was a little boy again and I would suddenly wake up from a nightmare. I would just crawl under the covers and cry. But then one of my parents would come into the room and comfort me.

It happened with Bruce too. I was tramuatized, but he held me together when I needed it.

When I grew older, the nightmares still didnt stop. But then Zatannas smile would always be there to comfort me in the morning.

I was a person that constantly needed saving.

Constantly needed saving from myself.

Not this time though, not again.

I wouldn't be saved anymore, no matter how much pain I could be going through. It was just one constant nightmare.

A nightmare that I couldn't wake up from, and probably never will.

I was alone.

"What did you do?" someone asked in a voice of horror.

My head shot up as my eyes snapped open.

I was so consumed in my dark thoughts, wallowing in self pity and guilt, that I had completely forgotten that my friends and mentors were watching every move I was making.

Correction. Former friends and former mentors.

My hollow eyes looked at the familiar figure of the blonde archer who was looming over Zatanna's form worriedly. Her gaze scanned over her sister like friends body in a swift motion of her storm gray eyes.

Wally and the others soon came beside us after, looking over Artemis's shoulder to get a view of our sleeping magician.

I quirked an eyebrow to myself.

I almost didn't recognize her voice. If I hadn't looked up, I wouldn't have known it was Artemis that had made such a statement.

My eyebrows scrunched together. Was I gone so long that my memories no longer justified the real thing?

The idea terrified me. I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to forget anything. No matter how much pain it gave me, I didn't want to forget one day I spent with them.

I looked at Zatanna again, memorizing her features, imprinting them into my mind. I watched her slow breathing, imagining she was dreaming of something peaceful and beautiful. I was imagining she was happy.

"She's…sleeping" I answered.

"What?" Wally asked.

I ignored that, not answering him.

I asked M'gann to form a table in the center of the room, my voice hollow but strangely calm. To my well kept surprise, she obeyed with no disobedience. But I could sense a fearing hesitance in her movements.

I took Zatanna's sleeping form in my arms, cradling her to my chest. I carried her over to the makeshift bed, gently placing her on it.

My eyes seemed to go even more distant as they emptied out any emotion.

I was looking at her in s scientific view now, acting like a doctor would as he treated his patient's wounds.

I placed two fingers on the pulse of her neck, noting how slow it was. Too skin was heated, warm.

I wanted to check her for any signs of fatal wounds that could have been possibly inflicted upon her while I was unconscious, or even awake. To my secret relief, there was none.

I traced the cut on her neck, the tips of my fingers grazing her collarbone. The blood had clotted and had closed it off, but I realized this would still scar.

"I'll need to hide that" I thought.

I took a tiny pill from my back pocket, twirling it in my fingers as I stared at the iridescent color.

I slowly placed my hand under her head, supporting her so that her mouth was angled up. I placed the pill in her mouth, the tips of my fingers grazing her lips. I gently made her swallow it as I pressed down lightly on her neck.

"Whats that?" someone asked.

I didn't recognize the voice.

Or…I didn't want to.

I felt like I was slowly disappearing.

"A pill I invented. It'll heal her while she…sleeps." I said.

My voice was hollow, dead.

I felt dead.

While the pill also healed her scars, wounds, and made her blood regenerate at a quicker pace, there was one thing about it that I didn't mention to them.

It would make her forget.

Forget everything.

Forget me.

It acted like a poison, seeping into her body and mind.

It would erase the memory of the past twenty four hours, concealing them deep inside her mind.

Everything was like a dream that she would forget in the first ten minutes she would wake.

It could be a possibility that the memory could be retrieved, yet that was just it.

A possibility.

A very slim chance.

And that's what I wanted.

"Why are you doing this?" Artemis asked.

I didn't look up.

"I already told you" I said.

I faked my voice to sound tediously tired, bored.

"Theres more isn't it?" She took a step closer.

I instinctively took one step back.

"What's more to tell?" I smirked darkly.

"You wouldn't leave her…unless it was something…life threatening" she continued.

"I already said that."

"Your life or hers?"

"Both" I answered. "Yet I don't really care about mine"

The humor was evidently dark.

"We can help you"

I scoffed, chuckling at the same time. "No one can help me" I shook my head to emphasize.

My face grew serious. "This is a part of me…I don't want you guys to see"

I was mute for a moment, then my voice came back.

"A very dark part" Another step back as my head faced the floor. "Hideous, ugly, terrifying…memories soaked in blood"

"Why? I don't…understand" M'gann said.

I smirked darkly. "Of course you don't"

I lifted my head. "You won't understand, that's why I cant tell you."

Wally took a step toward me.

"Try us" he challenged.

I arched one eyebrow.

I calculated inside my head the chances of running away now on this moment before they could catch me. The jet was still hovering below us, ready for me to jump in anytime

Very probable.

Chances, Chances, Chances.

I was taking so many of them nowadays.

For some odd reason, something still held to my place even though the sane part of my mind was screaming at me to run.

_"Run away"_ it said. _"Go"_

I didn't listen.

"You want to know?"

_"What are you doing?"_

Silent nods were seen throughout the whole room.

"Ill tell you everything then"

_"No!"_

"Everything" I repeated silently. I said it more to myself as a promise than anybody else.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge.

_"Theyll hate you"_ the voice slowly dissapeared into darkness.


	13. Chapter 13: Blood Soaked Memories

"Before Robin was born..." I started as they all stood there, intently listening to me.

"Batman wasnt my first mentor."

"What do you mean?" Wally said.

"You ll see"

I asked M gann and J onn to enter my mind again, telling them to project my memories like before.

I closed my eyes as I felt myself get pulled in.

We were now once again inside the black oblivion that was the recesses of my mind.

As the scene slowly changed and morphed, I gestured for them to keep silent and follow my steps.

I walked and walked as color and images grew beneath my feet and around us. I didn t know where I was going, I frankly didn t care.

Then something in my head told me to stop and wait, and so I did.

I all heard them walk behind me and not dare go any further. They all stared ahead as I did the same.

Watching and waiting.

The scene changed into an abandoned warehouse, one much like the one we had been previously been captured in. You could smell that the air was tainted in here as the moon shined through the windows.

The smell... I remember...

The scent was blood...

My blood...

I knew they all figured what it was. I also knew they were wondering where all the blood was coming from.

I started walking again, them silently following my footsteps. I stopped at the center of the room, looking down at my feet as I watched what was about to happen.

"Watch" I commanded.

"Whats going to happen?"

All heads turned at the sound of the unfamiliar voice, except mine. I didn t want to watch, yet sadly, I could still hear.

A young boy came out of the shadows the same way I would always do. He was still so young, yet at the same time he looked old. He had a muscular build, long, hard months of training had forced his body to adapt to all surroundings. A cut on his neck showed he had previously been at some kind of fight. It was a knife mark, it looked hours done. Still fresh.

It would scar.

Yet that wasnt what made him look so old, it was eyes.

At a first moments glance, it looked like a beautiful cerulean blue, full of vibrancy and color. Yet if you took a moment to examine them, they were strangely hollow and seemed to be fading. Like as if a veil was covering his eyes, making them seem distant and cold. They looked fearful, almost deadly.

Besides from the cut on his neck, a bandage was wrapped around his right arm. Blood soaked the white linen. It was still red, meaning it was still fresh.

I grimaced.

Blood seemed to surround the entire place. No pure air could be smelled.

It was disgusting.

"What do you mean?"

The voice came from a blonde boy sitting on the window ledge crossed legged. The moonlight shone on his blonde hair, making it have a silvery glow. Dark, gray eyes looked at his partners blue ones almost coldly.

The blue eyed boy walked toward him until he stood in the moonlight made spot light, illuminating his figure and the dark clothes he wore.

Everything he was wearing was completely black, like the shadows.

Gloves covered both their hands. A black shirt and pants that looked a lot like civilian clothing. They were wearing nothing else, no weapons or any kind of armor and protection.

They both looked like a pair of goth or punk rock kids. Simple black clothing. Yet nobody would guess these two young boys were the country s most dangerous and skilled assassins.

Members of an organization called the devils brood.

"What happened to the kid?" The blue eyed one asked.

"Shes dead" he stated casually.

They sounded so cold, emotionless, absolutely no hearts.

The truth was, I didn t have a heart back then.

"You killed her?" he asked emotionlessly.

"You would ve done the same thing." The blonde countered.

He got of the window sill, passing the blue eyed boy and walking to who knows where. He stopped a few feet away, his back towards his partner as he didn t turn around.

"This is our line of work. No mercy" He then walked away and disappeared into the shadows, the ghostly outline of his body blending into the dark.

The boy just stood there, staring into the distance. His blue eyes looked so hollow and empty. In a way, it looked like he was dead.

"No Mercy" he repeated to himself silently. His voice echoed throughout the abandoned room, it somehow sent shivers down all our spines.

And then the memory disappeared.

No one asked anything.

No one said anything.

Yet I knew exactly what they were all thinking.

They all stared at me, eyes boring into my figure, expectance and anxiety all covering their features.

"Wait..." I said.

The scene changed again as I willed it to.

It was almost too easy to control the will now, it felt like my mind was finally cooperating with me.

In a way, it wasnt as painful as I first thought it would be either.

Memories,Memories,Memories.

Blood soaked memories.

I smirked darkly.

It was the same people, yet the scenery changed.

It was still dark, still so dark.

Inside a dark alley, the moon waned.

_"Collin was his name"_ I remembered.

This was one of our firsts employments .

The Devils Brood was exactly what the name implied.

Demons.

We were demons, shadows of the dark that did nothing but take away what wasnt ours. Inhuman trained monsters that thought taking lives was just another part of theirs.

We killed people.

And at that time, I was fine with that.

The thought disgusted me now. Everything about that past life absolutely revolted me.

A blonde haired boy sprawled out on the cement paved floor, blood and dirt covering his hands as he tried to shield himself.

His name was Collin. Thirteen years old.

His crime?

Knowledge.

Thats it, he knew too much.

He knew about a murder we had done just a few weeks ago at that time. A friend of his, named Susanna Rider. It was just his bad luck. He was there at the wrong time, witnessing the wrong things.

Penalty:

Death.

No mercy.

"Please.." he begged. His voice sounded hoarse as it struck a frantic note.

Both boys came out of the shadows, masks on their faces as a black cape billowed on their shoulders. There were stains of blood covering their black gloves, and yet we all somehow knew the blood wasnt theirs.

Another man stood behind them both, yet his face could not be seen. But under the reprieve the small amount of moonlight gave, you could see him slowly form a menacing, evil smile.

"Finish the job" the dark, deep voice said.

I shivered. I hated that voice, it never ceased to haunt my nightmares.

The black haired boy took a knife and swiftly appeared at the side of the victim. Quick like ghost, like a demon. The knife was positioned at Collins neck, already protruding fresh blood.

"No mercy" he whispered into Collins ear.

Then the boy was dead.

He didnt even scream, they wouldnt let him.

They didnt want him to.

Quick and easy.

Blood,Blood,Blood.

Blood soaked hands.

Blood tainted memories.

Visions of red.

Nothing but red.

"No mercy" I whispered to myself.


	14. Chapter 14: Shards In My Hands

**Robin POV**

Then the memory disappeared inside the black oblivion, leaving everyone shocked out of their minds.

I didnt need to turn around to know what their expressions were.

Seeing something like that, it was enough to traumatize the strongest hero.

Life as I realized, was very fragile.

So quick and easy, death.

Many, many ways.

Life was like glass, seemingly strong, but in truth, it could be shattered any moment. And there was nothing you could do about it.

There were so many shards.

Shards of past lives in my hands, making them bleed.

Ive bled for a long time.

I e never stopped bleeding.

For a moment, the wound closed as I would look into Zee's eyes, but then the bleeding would just start again as I looked away.

Ive bled for so many years now, when was it going to stop?

When was I going to run out and just die?

Life for some reason, clung to me like disease.

A disease I truthfully wanted to get rid of at the moment.

What as the point anyway? What was the importance?

I wasnt alive, and I wasnt truly dead either. I was stuck between worlds, my soul not wanting to pass to either. It would continue its eternal state.

The living dead boy.

At the same time, I had died, in a few various ways at least.

Richard Grayson was the oldest, living until age nine. But when his parents died, so did he.

Then came the demon part of me, the dark part. Born from hatred and the need of revenge, he was slowly strengthened inside the world of blood and murder. Then for some time, he disappeared. I thought he had died too, but I was wrong.

Robin was born after him, being the youngest but actually the best piece of my life. Robin was a hero, he defended and protected. He also fell in love. He loved her very much, but that was his mistake.

When she disappeared, the demon was slowly reappearing again. Taking control over my thoughts and actions. I wanted to suppress it, those blood filled memories. Demonic was the only word to describe them.

But I couldn t help it now, what was the point? I had nothing to fight for any more. The human side of me was long gone... wasnt it?

"Are you guys alright?" I said as I turned my head back to look at them.

Stupid question.

No words could describe how horrified they looked at the moment.

I turned away from them, from their scared expressions I was sure to remember for the rest of my life. The black cape billowed behind me as I walked into the darkness.

_"How would they feel if they found out the truth?"_ I secretly wondered.

One hand reached up to touch the scar on my neck almost instinctively, but then I dropped it at the last second.

I stopped in my tracks, turning around to face them again. I hadn t realized they had started following me as I was too absorbed in my thoughts.

"Not yet" I whispered to myself as I continued into the darkness. _"But soon"_ I thought dejectedly.


	15. Chapter 15: His Bloodied Angel

**Robins POV**

Ever since I had grown close to them, I wondered if they would accept the real me. I wondered about the possibilities. I even thought that they wouldnt even want to look at me after they had found out the truth. I was so afraid, trying my best to conceal that monster inside me. Ironically I was now showing them that dark thing I had been burying inside me for so long. I did it willingly.

There was no turning back now. _No turning back._

"I was trained by that...monster" I half choked out. "To kill or be killed"

I laughed halfheartedly to myself, the darkness looming over us like a shadow. "He told me the world was a cruel place, that people were just animals that deserved their rightful punishment."

"And I believed him" I guiltily admitted.

Someone palced their hand on my shoulder for comfort, but I didnt recognize the warmth.

Everything felt so strangely cold...it was okay.

I was used to it.

"What happened to you?" Artemis asked as she stood beside me.

I smirked a little, I didnt know why though. Probrably out of habit.

"He would torture me, make me bleed" I said this with no emotion. "It was part of our training"

I laughed darkly this time, I felt like I was losing my mind.

"Blood was an everyday part of our lives...we even started to smell like it" I said, disgusted.

I pushed down the thin fabric covering my neck, revealing to them the scar inflicted so many years ago.

They knew who I was now, yet I couldnt tell why they thought of me. They knew I killed so many people as that boy with the devil blue eyes, so much blood on my hands. The fact that I willingly killed the joker meant the demon was slowly coming to grips with me again.

"Now you know the real me" I said to all of them.

I turned away from them all, my steps echoing throughout this black cavern.

Then the demon me appeared, accompanied by his 'master'.

I grimaced.

Blood, training, murder.

Thats all what my life was supposed to be about.

Until I was rescued.

They came for me, like as if the angel answered my prayers.

I hadnt met Zatanna through her father Zatarra, by accident actually. An unfortunate turn of events.

A girl with long, flowing, black hair was in front of us. She was wearing a long white dress, tattered and torn. Her long hair was spilled around her. She was laying on her back on the hard cemented floor, inside a dark yet lit room somewhere deep underground. Not much light could be found throughout the room, yet her face, her hair, she shined using an inner glow only she had.

The image of me couldnt help but stare at her.

She was beautiful.

Like a bloodied angel.

She opened her eyes slowly, groggily at first. Then her gaze widened in fear at the realization she couldnt speak, meaning she couldnt cast spells. Panic was evident on her face as she saw the boy and the man standing near her all alone.

"Finish the job, then go back to training." the man commanded automatically. The man then walked out of the room, footstps echoing through the dark.

The gilrs ocean eyes widened in fear and alarm as the blue eyed boy neared towards her.

Yet his movements, seemed out of place. Slow, even hesitant. Something flashed across his eyes for the briefest second, then it dissapeared. She looked at him, then shut her eyes tightly knowing what was going to happen next.

He just stood there, sitting on the ground next to her not doing anything for what seemed like hours. He stared at her as though mesmerized through a trance. Hesitantly and carefully he took a lock of her hair in his fingers, she flinched at this. She looked so afraid. He didnt seem to mind though...of her fearing him. He was used to people like this. Though what surprised him, was what she did next. She opened her eyes slowly and carefully, looking back at him with a confused gaze. She looked down towards his wrist, the hand that was previously holding a lock of her hair.

"Your bleeding" she said worriedly. Her voice seemed to return to its normal function. She gestured towards his hand, asking him something with her eyes. When he didnt answer, she took it as a sign to continue.

She reached down, taking his hand in her own ever so gently. Her other hand ripped a small piece of white fabric off of her own dress, then using her mouth and her hands, she tied it around his bleeding wound.

The boy looked at his hand then back at her, the most bewildered expression on his face.

"Are you okay now?" she asked so innocently. She was actually, truly, genuinely worried for this boy. A boy she had never met. The boy that was supposedly her would be murderer.

He blinked twice, then did the one thing he thought would never do again. He offered her a smile.

Thats when it hit him, he couldnt kill her.

She was his bloodied angel.


	16. Chapter 16: Trying To Be Honest

**Robins POV**

"What happened after that?" Artemis asked.

I turned to the side to look at her, then directed my gaze to the floor. I smiled a little to myself. This memory happened such a long time ago, she had probrably already forgotten it, but I never did. The details of everything were still as vivid as if it just occured yesterday.

"I couldnt bring myself to hurt her" I silently said.

"That girl...was Zatanna" I looked towards Wally. "Wasnt it?"

I nodded silently, not sure what words to say at the moment. Were they surprised? Relieved? Scared? I frankly didnt know.

"I was so surprised at what she did" I mused. "She was so innocent"

Then my face took on a more serious expression. "Since I couldnt hurt her...like how I was..._instructed_ to do" I hissed. My voice took on a more gentle tone as I said this. "I had to let her go" A small, gentle smile involuntarily formed on my lips before I could conceal it.

"How did she escape?" I knew Wally would ask that.

"I helped her" then I smirked "Only as far to the main entrance though, alarms would sound off, recognizing my bio signature if I ever stepped outside without my masters permission." The word _master_ left a vile taste in mouth as I said it.

"Why?" I knew he would say that too.

"It doesnt matter why, I helped her and thats it" I said nonchalantly. Trying to hide my expression from them, I turned around so that my back was all they faced.

"Did you experience love at first sight or something?" he joked, yet I didnt laugh.

Thats when he hit it. The bullseye, right on the red dot. He was absolutely right.

The love I felt for her was not something that progressed over time, but it did _grow_ over time.

Ignoring Wallys comment that shot to my heart like a bullet, I continued telling 'my ever so fascinating life story'

"She then grew up and so did I, we met at the team again but she didnt rememeber me" I said the last bit with mock humor. "And then the rest you guys know yourselves" I explained further.

"Thats not the whole story my friend" My shoulders went rigid as I realized I had been found out. Sometimes I hated Kaldurs sense of insight.

"Whats not the whole story?" I questioned him casually.

"No more lying to us Rob" Conner siad. Come to think of it, that was the first time I heard him speak all day.

I fidgeted nervously, I didnt know why I was...terrified at the moment. I had never experienced so much fear, nervousness and uncertainty in one day. So many emotions in one go, I could barely handle myself properly. I was already beginning to gain back my cool, but only for it to melt again in a few minutes.

M'gann smiled her ever so usual smile, but I couldnt help but think it was all too strained.

I looked down towards my hands, somehow feeling a little regrettful with my decision. _"Why did I do this?"_ I wondered silently to myself.

Wasnt it just safer to leave things just as they were? Broken, bloodied, hurt...but stuff like this could heal right? It would leave scars, a small imprinting but nothing more, and then everything would vanish with the wind. Nothing but whispers in the wind.

_"No"_ something in my mind countered.

I was being a coward. A gutless, heartless coward.

The need for self preservation was strong, but not strong enough to cloud my other senses. If I somehow left, right now at this moment, would everything dissapear?

Like as if from a dream...

But thats what a coward would think of. Running away wasnt the answer.

Yet at the moment I didnt know the answer to all the questions I was being faced with. All the strained smiles, memories that shot through me like a bullet, all these emotions that seemed to mark my every being with another scar.

I couldnt handle it by myself.

Yet what I couldnt really grasp, was when I was ever really truly alone?

_"Perhaps"_ I thought.

"What are you thinking about Rob?" Artemis said outloud.

_"How bold of her to ask me"_ I smirked.

"Nothing" I said stoically. That was always my automatic response when it came to questions such as these.

Nothing.

Cause it really was nothing I guess, just me pondering my thoughts and decisions.

But I know that was a lie.

"No more lies, no more secrets" she whispered to me.

I turned to look at her, studying her. Her posture was strong and defiant, brave. Yet inside her eyes held the softest of emotions. Pity and kindness. It was something I wasnt used to seeing in people anymore since I had grown so cold and didstant.

"Yeah" I solemnly said.

"What happened after that?" she encouraged.

"There was a complication" I started awkwardly, afraid of what they would think of the outcome.

"What _complication_?" the word drew on longer than it should have.

"Death, betrayal...punishment" I said.


End file.
